Landslide
by SallyJupiter
Summary: Winner of the Best Friend Jacob category in the Sort of Beautiful Challenge. Winner of the Silent Tear Award for Best Bella and Jacob. An unexpected friendship changes Bella's life in ways she never could have imagined. AH


"**SORT OF BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGE" Entry**

**Title: Landslide**

**By SallyJupiter **

**If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this challenge visit the "SORT OF BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGE" profile page:**

**http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2046940/**

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight characters and related likeness owned by Stephenie Meyer, Little Brown Publishing. No profits have been received in the production of this piece.**

**A/N: This is for Rei for more reasons than I can say here, but also for telling me about this challenge and encouraging me every step of the way. But most of all, this is for C. My biggest regret is not making sure you knew how much you meant to me. I hope you know now.**

Sometimes I wonder how different things might have been if I'd known. There are so many things I would have done if he'd told me, so many things I would have been sure to say. But I suppose that's the point. That's why he didn't tell me, or anyone for that matter. He didn't want things to be different and he didn't want sympathy to cloud anyone's attitude towards him. It was the way he wanted it, and I suppose on some level I can understand that.

But sometimes I can't stop my mind from going over all things I should have done differently, if only I'd known.

When I went back to Forks to visit my father last summer, I had no idea I'd end up getting stuck there for so long. The series of events that led to my extended stay in Forks were devastating, and I thought my life was over. But I was wrong. I didn't know then how the heartbreaking events that stranded me in Forks would change my life and lead me to my best friend.

I'd been back in Forks for a few months when I awoke to find my father, Charlie, stumbling around making more of a mess than breakfast.

"What are you doing, dad?" I asked as I crossed the kitchen. "Sit back down, I'll get that."

"I'm not helpless, Bella," he said, out of breath. "I was just making some coffee."

"I told you I can do that," I said, exasperated at having to restate it. "Just let me know when you need something. The doctor said you should be taking it easy."

"Well," he grumbled. "There's a big difference between taking it easy and being helpless."

Leaning on his cane, he carefully made his way to the chair I'd pulled out for him.

"Just let me help," I said, softening.

Even after months, it was still hard to see him like that. Charlie Swan had never been the type of person to ask for help, so after being injured in the line of duty eight weeks earlier, accepting the fact that he'd at least temporarily have to rely upon the help of others was something he still hadn't come to terms with. As much as he irritated me, and as much as we argued, it was hard to see my once strong and independent father now so fragile and very dependent.

I finished filling the coffee pot and started it before turning to him.

"The Blacks and the Clearwaters are coming over tonight," he said.

"Who? Why?" I asked, my usual annoyance lacing my voice.

"Billy's family and Harry's family," he said, pausing with each syllable for effect. "And they are coming because I invited them."

"Okay, fine. Just next time would you please ask me first before you commit me to catering an entire party," I mumbled.

"Get off your high horse, Bells," he said. "I never said you had to cook for our guests."

"Well, then who is?" I asked skeptically.

"Harry's gonna bring some things and Billy's boy, Jacob is gonna help him prep it," he explained.

"Okay. Sounds great," I lied.

I only vaguely remembered the people he was talking about from my childhood. I left Forks with my mom around the time I started school, so the memories were distant.

"I'd really like it if you'd spend some time with our guests tonight," he said. "Harry's girl Leah is about your age, and so is Jake, and they're bringing some of their friends. You know those La Push boys don't pass up a free meal."

He chuckled and smiled at me hopefully. Charlie kept trying to get me to spend time with the kids of his friends, but at 19 I felt ridiculous having my father trying to make my friends for me.

"Yeah, maybe," I said. "I have some reading I wanted to-"

"Bella, please," he interrupted.

"What?" I asked.

"You can't shut yourself off up in that room forever," he said. "I know you can't see it now, but someday you will. Edward breaking your heart is not the end of your life."

I froze in shock at his words. Hearing Edward's name aloud was like being punched directly in the chest. I thought Charlie knew better than to say it. I hoped my silence was a clear enough indication for him that I did not want to talk about it.

Charlie didn't say anything else and neither did I.

By the early evening, our house was filled with Charlie's friends and their families. To appease Charlie, I stayed out of my room. I didn't dislike anyone there, I just wasn't good at relating to people and the thought of making awkward small talk with them made me feel sick. Harry and Billy were there, along with Jacob and about half a dozen other boys whose names I couldn't seem to keep straight. Jacob was the tall one that always seemed to be smiling. There were only two other females there, both about my age. They were both quiet. One seemed sweet but shy and the other seemed cold and stand-offish. Leah and Emily were there names, but I wasn't sure which one was which.

I stopped by the kitchen a few times to see if my help was needed, but Jacob and Harry seemed to be experts with fish fry and had the situation under control. The night wore on with everyone laughing and talking while I tried to stay out of the way by secluding myself in the kitchen.

It was getting late and I was beginning to think I could probably slip away unnoticed when a deep voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Hiding out?" he asked.

I jumped, startled. It was Jacob.

"Oh, shit," he said. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, you're fine," I said, embarrassed. "I'm just jumpy."

"So it seems," he said as he pulled out a chair and sat next to me. "You've been hiding out in here all night. What, were you just going to hide until you could slip away?"

"That was the plan," I admitted, being unusually honest with him.

"Why? The night is young, why don't you hang out a little? Might do you some good," he said.

"I'm fine, thanks," I said defensively.

"Oh, I see," he said laughing. "Still wallowing?"

"You don't know me, so I don't know where you get off thinking you do," I said.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to piss you off, at least not so quickly anyway," he said and smiled at me. "And we do know each other, sort of."

"Apparently everyone in this town knows me," I said.

"You say it like it's a bad thing," he replied. "Most people are impressed with you, the way you took time off of school to stay around here and help take care of Charlie. People around here love him, and when he got shot on the job everyone took it pretty hard."

"It's been hard on him," I said.

"Yeah, but it's been great for him to have you around," he said.

"I guess," I shrugged.

Jacob's eyes held mine for a moment, like he was waiting for me to say something else. When I didn't, he finally spoke again.

"I heard about what happened," he said. "With that guy."

I looked up at him expectantly, wondering why he was bringing up all of this.

"You did the right thing by coming here," he said.

"I was only supposed to be here a couple of weeks," I said.

"I know. But you did the right thing by staying after Charlie got hurt," he explained. "And the kind of guy that would leave you at a time like that…well, seems to me like you're better off without him."

"Thanks, but I really don't want a pep talk," I sighed. He was just trying to be nice to me.

"Fair enough," he agreed. "So listen, some of us are going out this weekend. You should come."

"I don't really go out," I said

"So I hear," he laughed. "But you should. It would make Charlie happy. Hell, it'd probably get him off your back about being more social for at least a few weeks."

"Where are you guys going?" I asked.

"To be determined," he said. "But I guarantee an epic adventure."

"Well if it's an epic adventure…"

"Guaranteed," he said, flashing a mischievous grin at me.

Looking back, I'm still not sure why I agreed to go out with Jacob and his friends. It was completely out of character for me. But there was just something about Jacob that made me want to be around him again.

He picked me up that Saturday and we drove around for hours before finally ending up at a bonfire party on the beach. I would have thought I would have been uncomfortable there, but Jacob's friends were a lot like him, and I enjoyed being around them.

Almost immediately, Jacob and I fell into a rhythm of spending all of our free time together. I've never bonded with someone so quickly, it just felt natural. Sometimes he'd pick me up, and sometimes I'd drive to La Push to pick him up. When he drove he insisted on keeping the windows down, even if we were on the interstate. He said he loved the feel of the wind against his face.

Charlie was happy I was making friends and encouraged me to spend more time with Jacob. Billy didn't seem happy about it though. He'd never put Jacob on the phone when I called and he was always cold to me when I was at their home.

One exceptionally hot night in July it was too hot to enjoy being outside, so the La Push crew all packed up and headed to a club in Port Angeles. I tried to bow out as I wasn't exactly into the club scene, but Jacob persuaded me to go.

As soon as we entered the club, I got a knot in my stomach. Nearly everyone was dancing. I quickly headed to the bar and grabbed a seat, cursing my decision to go there.

"I don't think I've ever seen you move so fast," Jacob said into my ear from behind me.

"Dancing's not really my thing," I explained.

"You say that about a lot of things," he laughed.

He sat down on the barstool next to me and ordered us each a Tanqueray and tonic.

We made small talk for awhile, but my heart wasn't into it. Places like that always made me feel alienated, like I was a completely different species than everyone else that seemed to be having such a good time.

"Where'd you go just then?" Jacob asked.

"What?"

"You were just a million miles away up there," he said, tapping my forehead.

"Just thinking," I said. "I haven't been out like this since-" And I stopped myself from delving too deeply into an Edward-memory. I tried to laugh it off. "Never mind."

"Don't do that," he said. "You always push away what you're feeling and that is so…_infuriating_."

He seemed genuinely frustrated with me and it surprised me.

"Aren't you the one that says I wallow in the past too much?" I asked.

"There's a difference between wallowing and acknowledging your feelings," he explained. "You've got to stop pushing away everything you feel. Let it wash over you. Don't be afraid, just _feel_ it."

I laughed nervously and looked away from him.

"I'm serious," he continued. "If you're sad, feel sad. If you're happy, feel happy. Stop trying to numb yourself. Whatever it is, just feel it. Now. Because this is reality."

"Jake –"

He continued, his words coming out in a rush.

"It's not always rainbows and fucking sunshine. But that's okay, because this is the good stuff, the real shit. If everything always went well, you'd never know who your friends are. Nothing like a little misfortune to bring the assholes out of the fucking woodwork. That's when those fuckers show their true colors. In fact, you should be grateful all this shit happened to you. Thank the universe for fucking you over because otherwise – just imagine how long it might've taken for you to see what a douche bag that guy is. At least now you know."

I listened to his words and soaked up his meaning and I almost laughed, because he was right. I felt the overwhelming urge to touch him in some way, as though a touch could give the reply my words couldn't. I reached down and took his hand.

"I know you're really down right now," he said, looking at our hands. "But this won't last forever. One day when you've got more than you can imagine right now, you'll realize it. It'll hit you that all these times you spent playing 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' – you missed some of the most important moments of your life."

He slung back the final gulp of his drink and jumped to his feet.

"Whatever. Enough talking," he said. "Tonight – we dance."

His face lit up with that mischievous grin again as he grabbed my hand.

"What? No, no – not a good idea," I said, trying to laugh it off, but secretly terrified of making a fool of myself.

"Come on, loosen up. It'll be good for you."

He pulled me closer to the dance floor.

"No, seriously, I can't dance. This will end badly," I explained.

"Lies. Everyone can dance. Just relax and move, feel the music," he said.

I'd somehow allowed myself to be pulled into this. Everyone around us was dancing as I stood there awkwardly.

He studied me for a second and must've realized I was planning my escape. He rolled his eyes and grabbed my arms, pulling me closer to him.

I could feel the heat radiating off of his body and I realized no one had been this physically close to me since –

Jacob interrupted my train of thought as he leaned into me and his breath hit my neck as he whispered in my ear.

"Just follow my lead," he said. His hands slid down over my body, settling on my hips as we began to move in time to the music. I looked up at him, his eyes full of excitement, his smile complete – and my anxieties began to fade away.

For some reason I found it impossible to feel uneasy in his arms. I followed his lead as we danced to song after song, and as we danced, we laughed, and I mean really laughed, like I hadn't laughed in a long time.

Whatever it was that had happened that night, whether it was the dancing, the laughing, or just being around Jacob, it woke me up.

By the end of the night I was exhausted, but felt better than I could ever remember feeling. We walked down the sidewalk towards Jacob's car, our hands still intertwined.

"Oh my God," I said breathlessly. "That was amazing."

"You had fun, eh?" he asked proudly.

"Yeah," I said. "I've never really let go like that. It was…exciting."

"Exciting?" he asked, the mischievous grin returning. "You want excitement, you've gotta let me take you cliff diving one of these days."

"Cliff diving?" I asked skeptically. "Isn't that dangerous?"

"Pfft. If by dangerous, you mean fun, then yes," he replied.

"I don't know-"

"C'mon, you know I won't let you get hurt," he said. "I'll take you where the tourists go."

I hesitated.

"Trust me," he said. "You can thank me later."

I thought about it the rest of the way home. My plan to live in a bubble of numbness had failed. Spending time with Jacob made me feel alive again, it made me feel whole. I did trust him, completely. So far he'd been right with all of his suggestions and with time, I was beginning to feel like a person again.

I would go cliff diving with him. If doing what scared me meant feeling this good afterwards, then why the hell not?

My resolution to be more daring seemed great in theory. While in the comfort of my bed, my adventurous spirit was free to run wild. Standing on the edge of a cliff staring down at the waves crashing in, it suddenly seemed more suicidal than adventurous.

"You should see your face right now," Jacob said, shaking his head.

"This is the low point?" I asked.

"See up there?" he asked, pointing at a jagged edge jutting out about 30 feet above us. "That's where we usually dive from."

I laughed, thinking he was kidding, but one look at his face told me he was completely serious.

"Man, I knew you were gonna back out," he said.

"I'm not backing out," I said defiantly.

"Bella, it doesn't count if you pass out and I have to throw you over the edge," he said.

"Fuck you, I'm jumping."

"Go for it," he stepped aside and motioned for me to go.

Damn it. Way to call my bluff, Jacob.

"How deep is that water?" I asked.

"Give me your hand," he said, rolling his eyes at me.

I obliged and he wrapped his around mine.

"We'll do it together for your first time, okay?" he offered.

And I don't know how he did it, but with my hand in his, our eyes locked, it was impossible for me to doubt him.

He led me back a few paces. I instinctively squeezed his hand tighter.

"I won't let go," he said.

I nodded.

And without another word, we ran to the edge. I had to fight every impulse within me that tried to drag my feet to a halt before reaching that edge. There's no way I would have, or could have, taken that leap without Jacob.

When the ground was no longer beneath my feet and we began to plunge, I felt my stomach drop out and a chill shot through my spine. It was only a matter of seconds but almost instantly my fear evaporated and was replaced by complete freedom. The euphoria of the plunge lasted no longer than the blink of an eye and then the ice cold water grabbed a hold of me, pulling me under.

I didn't hold my breath in time and the burn of frigid water filled my mouth and nose. I probably should have been terrified, but my mind held no room for fear. Even as the disorienting water swirled around me, I was always aware of Jacob's hand around mine.

He never broke his grasp.

Jacob was a better swimmer than I was, and we made it to the surface quickly with his lead. I still remember how good that first gasp of air felt, like my entire soul had been resuscitated. Even coughing out water and feeling the burn, I was euphoric. It was probably just adrenaline, but whatever it was that was pulsing through my veins – I wanted more of it.

"Why didn't you hold your breath?" Jacob demanded.

His voice surprised me with its harshness. "Jesus, Bella. What were you thinking?"

"That was –" I was at a loss for words.

"Hey man, don't blame me for the water up your nose. I thought you had enough sense not to inhale underwater."

"Let's do it again," I said eagerly.

His eyes widened and then he started laughing.

"You wanna go again?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes," I said, climbing to my feet.

And we did. A few jumps later, I had the hang of it and even tried it on my own. The rush was exhilarating, and freeing.

Wrapped in our towels and walking back to my truck, Jacob slung his arm over my shoulder.

"If you like this," he said. "Just wait till I teach you to surf..."

Jacob truly was a gift from the gods.

The next weeks were filled with adventures with Jacob. He _did_ teach me to surf, though I wasn't very good at it. But he was a supportive teacher and taught me to just get back up when I fell down – which was often.

Watching him surf though, was an inspiration. Despite his size, he somehow appeared graceful, and the skill with which he handled the waves was incredible. He told me stories of the big wave surfers in Hawaii and how someday he'd like to go there and experience the 30-plus foot swells himself.

One evening on our way home from the beach, we were both exceptionally giddy. As we drove with the windows down, like always, he turned the radio up louder than usual and flipped through the dial. He landed on what must have been an easy listening station.

"Oh shit!" he yelled. "I fucking love this song!"

I looked from the radio to him in disbelief as Elton John's voice faded away.

"Ah man, we missed it," he said as the song ended.

"Are you serious?" I asked, waiting for the punch-line.

"Yeah, that shit's classic," he said. "Ooh, hell yes. Now _this_ is my song," he said nodding as the next song started. It took me a moment to place the tune.

"Isn't this Fleetwood Mac?" I laughed.

He didn't answer, but instead started singing. Loudly.

"_Can the child within my heart rise above_?" he sang in a horrible and off-key voice. "Come on, Bella, don't leave me hanging."

"I'm not singing. No way," I said.

"_But time makes you bolder_," he sang, raising his eyebrows at me.

"You better keep those eyes on the road," I said. I couldn't help but laugh though. Jacob was so big and strong and to see him singing his heart out to 'Landslide' was something I never could have imagined.

"You'll dance with me, you surf with me, you'll jump off a fucking cliff with me – but you won't sing with me?" he asked. "I thought you were embracing things."

He flashed me that grin again.

"I'm just going to keep singing till you join in," he said, getting louder. "You're just mad cause I've got a better voice than you."

"You are such a dork, you know that," I said.

"_I'm getting older too…"_ he sang.

Finally, I gave in. I sang along with him and Stevie. And with the wind against my face, my hair still wet from the water, singing along with Jacob, I realized I was happy.

Jacob carried happiness with him like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I was always so eager to see him.

By the time the song ended we were both laughing uncontrollably.

Somewhere between laughs and teasing me about something, I slapped his arm jokingly.

"I fucking love you, man," he said. Then he quickly dropped the smile and looked away, embarrassed.

"I love you too…_man_," I said playfully.

He looked over at me and smiled. He dropped his eyes and when he spoke again, he was more serious.

"I do, you know?" he said. "I don't normally say shit like that, so don't make it weird or anything. It's just, you're my best friend, man."

"Same here," I said.

I'll always wonder if it was the laughing that let it slip out, or if he would have said it anyway, but either way I'll never forget that car ride.

A few weeks later Charlie was back in good health and it was time for me to go back to school in Seattle.

Jacob and I kept in touch with emails and calls. Billy would never put him on the phone when I called, so I usually had to wait for him to call me to get to hear his voice. I'd been back at school for a couple of months when I stopped hearing from Jacob.

At first I just figured he was busy, but then I got worried. By then end of the second week without hearing from him, I decided to go and visit. Charlie would be thrilled with a visit too.

I pulled up in front of Charlie's house and it didn't surprise me that it looked exactly the same as always. It's like things in Forks never change. I wanted to see Charlie and drop off my things, but then I would go to La Push and visit Jacob. I threw my duffle over my shoulder and climbed the steps to the house. I started to let myself in, but decided it was probably best to knock first.

Charlie opened the door and looked more startled than surprised to see me.

"Wha-Bella," he mumbled my name and pulled me into a hug.

His affection caught me off guard, but I hugged him back. I was still getting used to seeing him on his feet and back to his old self again.

"Surprised?" I asked, squeezing him back. Before he could answer, my eyes fell on Billy Black sitting in the living room. "Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you had company. Hey, Billy."

Charlie pulled back and shot Billy a look.

"Bella," he said solemnly, nodding once.

Charlie took my bag and I followed him into the living room.

"I can't believe you're here, Bella. I was going to drive up to see you this weekend," Charlie said as he sat down.

"Drive up to see me?" I asked, confused.

"Bella, why don't you go ahead and sit down," Charlie said, his face strangely serious. I wondered if I'd interrupted an argument or something.

Billy and Charlie glanced at each other and then back to me.

"Hey, Billy," I said. "If you need a ride home later, I was going to see Jake right after I catch up with Charlie, so I could give you a ride."

Charlie sighed loudly and shifted uncomfortably. Emotion flickered across Billy's usually unreadable face.

"Bella," he said slowly.

I've never been one to believe in premonition or intuition or any of that new age bullshit, but I swear to god, I knew what he was going to say. I knew it before he even spoke the words.

"Jacob was sick, Bella," Billy said. "He was sick for a long time. He didn't want to talk about it, but we knew he didn't have too long."

"Knew?" I mumbled.

"Bella, I wanted to tell you in person," Charlie cut in. "I didn't know until it was too late. Jacob died, honey."

In my chest, where I suppose my heart once was, there was now a black hole, an infinite void that pulled everything in. I don't know how I didn't know beforehand, because even as the how and when remained unknown, it was suddenly so obvious that something was wrong in the world. It was like a light had been turned off and nothing in this world would ever shine as bright again.

I vaguely remember my knees hitting the floor and Charlie's arm grabbing me by the shoulder's to keep my head from smacking into the table as I collapsed. It was only when I suddenly gasped for air that I realized I'd stopped breathing. Charlie's embrace was tight and it should have been comforting, but the arms around me weren't the ones I wanted. I felt ice cold and I craved the warmth that I would never again feel.

I only remember bits and pieces of what happened next. Billy explained that Jacob been sick since he was a kid, but didn't want anyone to know. He had a rare form of epilepsy and sometimes had seizures. He suffered severe one last week that left him unconscious for two days before he died. He always knew he'd be lucky to live to 25.

I had no voice. I asked no questions.

It was only later, as the information began to sink in that I was able to react, and I was furious with Billy. Part of me wanted to be mad at Jacob, but it hurt too much, so I directed it all at Billy. He had known all along and never told any of us. How could he have kept something like this from me?

I honestly don't remember much about the days or even weeks that followed.

I went back to Seattle, unable to stay in Forks and certainly unable to visit La Push now that Jacob was no longer there.

The loss of Jacob was far and away the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It's not just the personal loss that I mourn. The absence of Jacob is a loss to the world because his very existence made it a better place. His fundamental happiness was woven into the fiber of who he was and he spread that where ever he went.

Life seemed meaningless for a long time. I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't understand a world where someone like Jacob would get such a short life. My sadness turned into anger and bitterness. I couldn't make sense of a world without him in it. I kept expecting my own life to end.

But as unlikely as it seemed, life continued, even without Jacob Black. Not a day passes that there isn't something that reminds me of him, or something that makes me consider what he would think of it. He always had such a unique take on things, like he saw the world through a different lens than the rest of us.

For a long time I felt really sad when I thought of him. Hearing a song he liked would make me cry. If I passed someone on the street wearing his cologne I would cry. I avoided the places we used to go because it just felt wrong that I could still go and he couldn't.

But then something changed.

I realized that my behavior was a disgrace to the way he lived his life. He didn't mope around feeling sorry for himself, he didn't avoid things. He took it all in stride and enjoyed every minute of his too short life. His life was cut short, and I'm left with my own, so what am I going to do with it?

I think I owe it to him to make the most of it. After spending a long time struggling with depression and guilt for a life I didn't feel I deserved, I'm learning to live again. It's messy and sometimes awkward and even painful. It's like learning to walk again after you haven't used your legs for years. Sometimes I fall down. But I get back up. Because that's what Jacob taught me.

I remember all of the things Jacob and I used to daydream about doing, all the things that he didn't get a chance to do. I'm doing those things now. Every chance I get, I'm taking the chances Jacob would have, going on the adventures he wanted to.

I've travelled to the places we talked about. I went to New York and walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and let the breathtaking view overwhelm me. I went to Oahu and surfed Waimea Bay. Next spring I'm going sky-diving off the coast of Guatemala.

When I feel down, I try to remember to see the world the way he did. He saw a world of endless possibilities.

I loved Jacob. We shared a special closeness that most people don't understand. Our love was messy, it was complicated, and it was sort of beautiful.


End file.
